Next month, my husband and I will have 14 years of marriage! What a milestone! We have endured good times and overcome great challenges as well. What makes the time worth it is knowing that we have taken on those challenges and overcome then together. Our bond is stronger than it’s ever been and my love for him has grown tremendously over this 14- year span.
I have a great deal of admiration and respect for our president and his wife, Barack and Michelle Obama. By all accounts they seem to have a wonderful relationship in spite of all of the obvious challenges they face in their everyday lives. Michelle has commented that she helps Obama with his calendar and makes sure he doesn’t miss Back to School nights or any other of their children’s events. They also make sure they have their date night regularly in spite of them both having very busy schedules. On Inauguration night, watching them dance together, their love for each other was obvious. It just makes you wonder, how do they keep it all together? I’m sure they have professional planners and others who help them keeping their schedules on track. While I’m sure professional planners make life easier for them, the credit for staying committed to one another and making their marriage work, would go solely to them. What about other power couples with busy schedules? How do they keep it together? How do celebrities like Will Smith and Jada manage to keep it together after 12 years when other couples have failed? What about Duane Martin and Tisha Campbell? I’m sure the day to day of very busy couples such as this makes it very difficult to hold it all together. I’m just glad that although my life can seem very busy at times, it probably doesn’t get as busy as these couples! Somehow, they have learned how to work together to overcome obstacles and barriers.
Most couples site love and commitment as two primary keys to their success. But what happens when love just isn’t enough. What happens when you just don’t feel like loving anymore? What about when you feel like you have had enough and want to quit? How do you continue to go on in the face of potential monotony, boredom and/or complete disgust with your mate? If we based our lives on feelings of boredom and monotony, we’d quit all of the vital things in life. We get bored and fed up with our jobs, our children, friendships, and parents as well but don’t completely quit them.
The easy answer for a dating couple is to say, “Maybe this isn’t working. Let’s break up.” But for married couples, we have to exhaust all options before we bail out because our commitments to one another are
- A covenant
- For Life
How many times have you heard someone say, “I’m just not in love with him/her anymore?” Love is not based on a feeling. It’s based on mutual admiration and respect. The most important ingredient in a relationship is commitment. The real glue of marriage is the commitment. Commitment will last when love doesn’t seem to.
It seems in our relationships we need to every so often, re-create ourselves. This does not mean changing ourselves but simply altering our needs. For example, a couple that enjoys running 3 miles a day together may have to try bowling or something more practical as they age and are less likely to be able to run as they used to. Adjustments are necessary when you realize that this is a lifetime commitment. When you make a commitment to marriage, you promise to be there in sickness, in health, in good times and bad, in poverty and in flourishing times. You promise to be there! So what makes couples so apt and agreeable to ending relationships over “irreconcilable differences?” Doesn’t every couple have irreconcilable differences? Doesn’t every couple agree to disagree? Let’s be truthful, you aren’t going to agree on everything. Marriage is full of give and take. You have to be willing to balance the two in order to become one with your spouse.
Here’s my advice to couples contemplating marriage:
Before you say I do:
- Talk extensively about “hot” topics that may not matter while dating but certainly will matter in marriage.
– children (discipline, expectations, quantity, plan, step-children)
– money matters (separate accounts, joint accounts, how you will pay the bills, expectations, work ethic, child support and/ or alimony from previous relationships, credit rating/ report)
– travel, vacations,
– church attendance, belief system, commitment, background
– lifestyle, expectations of daily living
– sex – expectations, frequency, technique, etc.
– roles in marriage
2. Go into the relationship knowing how your partner feels, not guessing
3. Be sure both partners agree to commit to being married forever and not being together for a while and re-evaluating
4. Don’t ignore warning signs or stoppers (things you know you can’t tolerate)
5. Get premarital counseling prior to marriage
This is in no way an exhaustive list. This will simply get the ball rolling and make you aware of what the person you are contemplating marriage with is all about. It will hopefully create a conversation that will paint a picture of both of your expectations in marriage. It’s much harder to “fix” marriages once you’ve entered into them. The main point here is to be knowledgeable. Go into the relationship with eyes wide open! So many times people are in love with the IDEA of a wedding with no idea of how the marriage will work!! Plan for a lifetime of commitment and not for that one special day of bliss.
If you are married and want to give up, know that your commitment is not only to your mate but to God as well.
1. Pray and ask God to intervene if you are struggling.
2. Talk to your mate. Sometimes when you simply communicate your feelings, you can get a better understanding from your mate and open the door for dialogue.
3. If you’ve messed up somehow, ask for forgiveness from God and your mate and ask him/her if you can start fresh. If you are on the receiving end of an apology, receive it.
4. Start doing things with your mate regularly. Find common interests.
5. Get a babysitter and spend time alone together. Having a date night helps to bond couples.
6. Be spontaneous and do things to surprise your spouse.
7. Seek out other couples with like interests.
8. Agree to give it your best effort this time and don’t give up!
9. When all of your efforts fail, seek counseling. Don’t wait to go to counseling as a last resort, consult one while you both are agreeable and not at the last straw.
There is no secret ingredient for keeping love alive in your marriage, as every couple is different in wants and needs and each couple must find what works for them. Suffice it to say, your marriage is what you make of it. It requires maintenance. If you don’t maintain it, it won’t work. Knowing that God is the center of our marriage is peace of mind. He will never leave you or forsake you. Commit to staying in your marriage for a lifetime and it will be rewarding and satisfying knowing you have a partner for life. Working through obstacles and challenges is never a pleasant experience, but committing to being there for your mate and your family and making your marriage work together is the best thing you can do for your family, your spouse and even for yourself!
